Numb
by 2kool4skool
Summary: Jasper's POV after Alice's phone call on her flight to Italy during New Moon.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Twilight.**

_A/N: I want to apologize to the readers of my other stories. I know they haven't been updated in forever, but my computer crashed with all of my files and the chapters of those stories went with it. I have not found the motivation to try and rewrite what I had written. Some day when I am free of the constraints of school I will go back to them and finish them, but that won't be for a while. In the meantime, I have some Twilight fics I'd love to share. I hope you enjoy them. _

_For this story I just want to point out that I know Rosalie and Emmett are not in the airport when Bella, Edward and Alice come back from Italy. I meant to write that part in and then I forgot and this story was posted on another site. I like it the way it is, so when Jasper goes to meet Alice at the gate Rosalie and Emmett slip outside. _

Numb

For the first time in my entire existence as a vampire I felt nothing. Not even the emotions of others swirling around me could penetrate that bubble of nothingness that I felt embraced in. I was a void. Without Alice, I just did not exist. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't see anything. Light and dark had no difference to me now. My subconscious just kept repeating her words to me; her final goodbye as my mind considered it. "Don't follow me. I promise, Jasper. One way or another, I'll get out." Then her words moments before that would resurface. "The odds aren't good." I had known she was lying. I didn't need a second sense to know when my wife was lying to me.

I clutched my cell phone in my hand, I hadn't moved since her call over 24 hours ago. Instead I had felt myself emotionally die, just like I had physically that night on a dusty road when Maria recruited me. I was nothing without Alice. She brought me to life. She made me forget about the past that had forever tainted, and mangled me, bringing me into the light of our future together.

"Jazz," Emmett said quietly. I considered answering him, but I didn't have the strength. "If anyone can find a way out of this man, it is Alice."

His words slammed into me. I wanted to thank my brother for being there for me, for having faith in my wife when I did not. I wanted to let him comfort me, but I couldn't, because I felt nothing at all and if I started to try I knew the strength of my pain would rip through me and I would be unable to stop myself from going after her and ending my own life if I were too late.

I broke my gaze from the stark white wall in front of me and looked at the silver phone, silently mocking me in my marble hands. I considered crushing it to dust and I would have, had it not been my only lifeline, the only thing I needed to continue living this so called life. If this phone rang again, then my life was not over.

Out of nowhere, I suddenly felt consumed with an overwhelming rage. I was angry at Alice for lying to me, for leaving me. I was angry at Rosalie for instigating this. I was angry at Edward for not confirming her story. I was angry at him for ever falling in love with Bella in the first place. Mostly, however, I was angry at myself for not going back to Forks with her. For being weak when the rest of my family had been strong. If I had not almost attacked Bella, then this wouldn't be happening in the first place.

The anger finally became too much and I swung my fist forward slamming it through the white wall I had been staring at for hours. The whole house shook with the force of my fist. "Let him get it out," Emmett said to Esme who had stepped forward, most likely to comfort me.

My knees felt weak with the force of emotions pressing down on me. Hitting the wall had not been enough of an outlet. I found myself turning on the only person who I could blame. "You bitch," I breathed, my hardened face staring at hers. "Because of you Alice is gone."

"I'm so sorry Jasper," Rosalie said, as her face twisted with agony. I stepped back, knowing that I was only mad at her because it was too hard to be mad at Alice. If Alice survived this I would have to apologize, she would make me. The thought might have amused me if I wasn't lost in a fog of overwhelming despair.

I felt myself crumbling now. I backed up until my back was against the wall as my pain slammed into me. I tearlessly sobbed as I slid to the floor wishing to return to the numb nothingness I had felt before.

"Oh Jasper," Esme said, as she lowered herself to the floor next to me, her hand running in circles on my back. "Don't give up hope yet."

I receded into myself, willing my mind to flood with memories of Alice. If I got lost in the happiness of our past, maybe it could lessen the crushing grief that was overtaking my every muscle.

I remembered the first moment we met. I remembered her tender hand in mine, the way her eyes had raked across me and that I felt nothing but love radiating from her. I remembered getting to know her, the way she would always curl into me as we talked. I remembered our first time together and how no time with Maria could ever compare to being with Alice. I felt right with her, I felt home. She would always make me feel whole, like I was more than a broken soldier who had spent the last century as a monster. Without her I was nothing. Without her I did not want to exist. It was this reason I couldn't truly be mad at Edward, because in his position I would want the same end. Now that was something I had to consider. If Alice didn't survive I did not want to either. However, I had much different end in mind. I would not go trotting off to the Volturi. I would go to the place this all began. I would go to Maria and let her newborns finish me off. It was what I deserved after what I had done, my penance for my past.

My phone began to vibrate in my hand. I flipped it open, "Alice," I breathed into it.

"Yes Jazz it's me. We're okay. We're all okay, it's over."

It was as if the breath I took brought me back to life. I jumped up from my spot on the floor. "Where are you?"

"We're on a flight out of Italy now. We just got in the air so it will be a while."

"Are you hurt?"

"No. We're all fine. They let us go."

"When will you be home?"

"In about twenty hours. We have connections in Munich and Chicago."

"I miss you," I whispered. The words had seemed so insignificant to what I actually felt about being apart from her.

"I miss you too Jazz," she said, her voice breaking as she spoke.

"You promise you weren't hurt?"

"Not a scratch on me. You can inspect me when we get home."

"I plan to. I plan on never letting you go Alice."

"Good because I never want you to," she whispered.

"I'm so sorry," I whimpered. "I should have gone back to Forks with you."

"It's in the past Jasper. You were only doing what you thought was right."

"The only thing that is right is never leaving your side."

I heard the smile in her voice as she spoke again. "I like the sound of that. I'm going to hang up the phone now. Our flight lands in Seattle at 6:10 am."

"We'll be there Alice. We will all be there," I told her. My mind was screaming at me not to disconnect the phone, that I needed at least that connection with her for the next twenty hours.

"I love you Jazz."

"I love you too Alice. Forever and always." Then I closed the phone and turned to look at my family. They had clearly heard the entire conversation and the looks on their faces were pure and utter relief. I smiled for the first time in God knows how long and breathed again, it was a change now that my chest didn't feel like it was being crushed by the weight of my grief. I was no longer numb, no longer angry. In fact I had never felt more alive.

The next twenty hours were the longest of my life. I insisted on showing up at the airport two hours early and my family indulged me, since they could understand my desperation to be near my wife.

I sat stone still in one of the plastic moulded chairs, moving only when Emmett kicked my chair to remind to keep up the façade. I suddenly felt like moving and stood up to pace like a human would. The four members of my family had their eyes following me as I walked back and forth, waiting for my wife to come home to me. The seconds ticked by painfully slow and I wanted to scream at the clock to hurry up.

Emmett laid down on the row of chairs and pretended to attempt to sleep, while Rosalie flipped lazily through a magazine and Carlisle sat holding Esme, rubbing circles into her hand. I sat back down and took to watching the clock, still frustrated with each slow tick.

When their plane landed I could barely contain my agitation. I slipped closer to the gate and waited for my wife. As soon as our eyes met the world seemed to stop. I saw nothing else but her amber eyes looking deeply into mine. I projected each emotion I felt towards her as she took each step closer. A part of me wanted to yell at her for leaving, another part of me wanted to take her in my arms and bring us closer than we had ever been before. The rational part won out and I just kept staring at her, both of us having a silent conversation with the emotion in our eyes. When she got close enough to me, she reached her hand out and I took it, bringing it up to touch it with my lips. "Welcome home Alice."

She stood on the tips of her toes and I bent down so she could kiss me. She kissed me lightly, both of us holding back the urge to deepen the kiss. We'd save that for when we were alone and I could give her a proper welcome home. For now I'd have to settle for holding her hand and allowing the rest of the family to say hello to her. Alice was home.


End file.
